Fight Flub. Review

Fight Flub.

When I say Kakuto Chojin, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Is

it a rare

type of sushi? Some kind of newfangled

shiatsu technique, perhaps? No, Kakuto Chojin is actually a vortex

of inept fighters from gutters around the world attempting to form some kind of

second-rate fight club on the Xbox. Anyone get that?

I have to admit that I knew nothing about Microsoft’s first entry into the fighting genre before it showed up on the GR doorstep. It was all wrapped up in nice shiny cellophane, but for some reason it had a familiar, funny smell to it. So with no preconceived notions in mind, I took my handy blade and hacked my way into the box. As I popped in the disk and started it up, the stench hit me like the elephant enclosure a few hours after feeding time.

It

was the smell of a bad game. And though my instincts screamed at me to remove

the disk before permanent damage was done, I thought of you, dear reader, and

the agonizing pain that you would suffer if I did not spread the word.

So just what’s wrong with Kakuto Chojin, you ask? Honestly, there are

so many things going wrong here that I don’t know where to begin.

How about the story, which is so confusingly pseudo-existent that I can’t

begin to comprehend what was going on in the cranial masses of those behind

its existence. Can’t figure out what the hell I just said? Congratulations and

welcome to the ‘story’ of Kakuto Chojin. The instruction “diary” sets

up some kind of story about an underground fighting circuit, complete with background

bios on all the characters that hint at some kind of plot. Then you play the

game and experience no plot whatsoever. Even Dead

or Alive had some kind of weird dialogue and cut scenes. Kakuto Chojin

has no real dialogue, no cut scenes and just barfs out some lame text epilogue

at the game’s conclusion. What the heck is this whole thing about? I don’t really

expect a fighting game to have a story, but this is insulting.

This is a fighting game, is it not? So, can someone tell me where these guys learned how to fight? Did someone publish a “Martial Arts for Dummies” book? The fighting system used here just doesn’t make much sense at all. For instance, there are no punch or kick buttons – only commands like high, medium and low. That means there’s no way of telling if your character will throw a punch or a kick. Just like real life!

While I’m happy that the move list tries to get away from the conventional

quarter-circle Street Fighter system, I hate the fact that it tends to

favor button-mashing. Many of the fighters have X, X, X type moves to complement

the X, X, Y moves. Sure, there are more moves than that (such as Y, Y, X or

the delightful X, Y, Y), but none of them take much skill at all. Button-mashers

rejoice.

This leads to a really, really easy game. On my very first trip though without even looking at the move list, I was able to complete the game. I lost ONE round, but I guess nobody’s perfect.

Equally

disappointing is that the fact that the fighting isn’t even fun to watch. Dead

or Alive had plenty of fancy throws and counters. Mortal Kombat had

the really cool fatalities. Even UFC had some cool submissions. What

does Kakuto Chojin have? Punch. Kick. Ow. Game over.

Yet another low point is the level design. All you get is simple arena after

arena. No breakable objects, no multiple levels – just a small ring, plain and

simple. The box claims that Kakuto Chojin is “back alley brutal,” yet

there are no real back alleys. Did they realize what great arenas they could

have included? Toss opponents into garbage bins, use homeless drunks for cover,

smack adversaries into broken glass for more damage! The possibilities are endless.

What a shame.

And while I’m not the subject of bad design, let’s not forget the characters. I don’t expect a bunch of fancy ninjas and sexy women, but man, what kind of ugly farm are these guys from? I’ve seen better-looking fighters in a Sea Monkey tank.

Despite their poor design, the fighters are well-rendered and shinier than

a new nickel. Even the plain Jane arenas have decent texturing to them. Indeed,

the one thing that Kakuto Chojin manages to get right is the graphics.

Unfortunately, they forgot about the gameplay.

Kakuto Chojin does try to do some good with the simultaneous four-player

multiplayer game, but due to its weak fighting system it doesn’t amount to much

excitement.

All Kakuto Chojin manages to do is stumble around in the ring and get

knocked out. A weak fighting system and more disappointments than Mike Tyson

lead to one of the worst brawlers I’ve seen in a while. Throw in the towel,

this fight’s been over since the first round.