Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes Review

Tennn’ HUT!

At ease, men. It is the greatest honor of your life to be a Green beret. Your

honor, your duty, your training – these are all privileges that you must hold

dear. Perhaps the greatest thing you can hope to achieve in your lifetime is

to accept and perform a dangerous suicide mission. I am looking for a volunteer,

and I know that every one of you good men is up to the task.

Scorch,

that’s a nice flamethrower you got there, but there might be more heat than

you can handle if you accept this mission. How about you, Shrap? You’ll need

to do more than just lob mortars from the other side of the hill. And you, Thick,

do you even understand what I’m saying under all those muscles? We will probably

need your bazooka, Riff. Hoover, which one of us would cross an innocent looking

field before you had checked it for mines?

Sarge, you look like a willing candidate for the job. Eager, perhaps. Let

me tell you what dangers lie ahead.

Gentlemen, Vikki has been kidnapped by General Plastro of the evil Tan army.

To get her back, you will need to face countless Tan soldiers, tanks, helicopters

and even robots. Stranger enemies await you as well: giant insects from another

world.

The Tan Army has captured portals to a strange world of giants. When you travel

to these worlds, you will find yourself engaged in combat through giant kitchens,

bathrooms, and an enormous sandcastle. While the otherworldly battlegrounds

are interesting, there are only 5 of them, and that’s out of 16 levels in total.

So, at least this will not be a very long assignment.

However, the Tan Army will not be your only enemy. While your Green Army commanders

are concerned about your health, their technology is limited. Your plastic bodies

have been buffed to a high sheen, but other than that, the army will supply

you with only standard grunt graphics.

The

big problem is that new Tan technology has jammed your camera. Throughout your

dangerous mission, you will find it nearly impossible to see where you are going

or even spot the enemy. As you run, your camera will get caught on objects and

show you dozens of unhelpful angles as it struggles to keep up with your turns.

Nothing is more frustrating to a Green soldier than being hit by enemy fire

from a Tan unit that you cannot even see. Cheer up soldiers! Nobody said the

army was for wimps.

Fortunately the Green army can provide you with improved sniper abilities.

With your .50 caliber sniper rifle you will be able to accurately zoom in on

Tan soldiers from a long distance. One shot to the head and it’s plastic chunks

on the ground and smooth sailing for you.

The rest of the arsenal is up to muster as well. Our commanders would never

allow you to go out unarmed. You’ll discover the combat shotgun to be useful at

close range and the M-60 is perfect for strafing. The bazooka will help you against

the enemy armored vehicles and the grenades and mortars allow you to eliminate

big groups of soldiers and buildings too. The flamethrower will turn any Tan soldier

into a heap of bubbling plastic in seconds, and with mines you can insure that

nobody sneaks up behind you.

Don’t get too excited though, I’ve saved the worst for last. These weapons

won’t help you as much as you think. Gentlemen, I have met the enemy, and he

is us. You will discover your own body to be your worst enemy on this mission.

Your control over your own limbs will be sluggish and unwieldy. You will find

it nearly impossible to turn to face the enemy. You will get frustrated as you

get shot time after time because you can’t tell how far you’ve turned, and then

you cant see in front of you because the camera hasn’t moved yet. Even the simplest

tasks, like leaving a building through the door will prove difficult.

That’s the situation in a nutshell, gentlemen. Which one of you is man enough

for the task? I notice that you’re no longer smiling, Sarge. I’m looking for a

soldier with character and true grit; a soldier that is not afraid to give 150%

for the Green Army. This mission will test your loyalty and …. Aw hell, screw

it. I’m going AWOL. Let’s ge the hell outta’ here. Who’s with me? Sarge? I’ll

buy the first round of beer….