The 50 Worst Game Names Ever

From Dick Butkus to Hootie and the Blowfish to Lake Titicaca, bad names have been with us forever. But thanks to the inevitable collision of reclusive nerds, bizarre artists and painfully unhip marketing execs, the video game industry enjoys some of the worst names of all.

The following list was compiled after hours of lively debate, pages of exhausting science and one actual geek fistfight. During this laborious process, we decided to set up a few basic rules:

All games must have been wide releases for legitimate, popular platforms.
We tried to avoid games heavy on the Engrish. Translation errors are just too easy.
So are educational games and porn.

We should also point out that this list in no way indicates the quality of the game itself, merely the quality of its awful title. And we know that some of you will claim that you once played a game in a Korean arcade called "Diarrhea Coughdrop" or something and that it deserves a spot on the list. Cool. Go make one.

After all, Wii did. Let the names begin!

Frogger: Helmet Chaos

We must bring order to the helmets!

Platform : DS, PSP

Publisher : Konami

Year : 2005

If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger."

Zeitgeist

David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.

Platform : Playstation, PC

Publisher : Taito

Year : 1998

Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits!

Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother

No, Joe.

Platform : Arcade

Publisher : Taito

Year : 1988

It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what?

Jumpman

A super-power it ain't.

Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC

Publisher : Epyx

Year : 1983

From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see…there's a man, and he jumps…

ASO: Armored Scrum Object

FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation

Platform : Arcade

Publisher : SNK

Year : 1986

Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course.

Wild Woody

I just figured out my porn star name.

Platform : Sega CD

Publisher : Sega

Year : 1995

Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard.

Tech Romancer

Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.

Platform : Dreamcast

Publisher : Capcom

Year : 2000

This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot.

Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

Platform : NES

Publisher : Hudson Soft

Year : 1990

And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato.

Beyond the Beyond

Way past the far out.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Sony

Year : 1999

Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really.

Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope

Palette timid waffle.

Platform : Playstation, Saturn

Publisher : Working Designs

Year : 1999

We love the random word generator, too! Opted congestion substances source! Think wind recorder disrupt!

Um Jammer Lammy

While my guitar gently screams WTF.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Sony

Year : 1999

This sequel to Parappa the Rapper took a confusing premise – you're a psychedelic lamb who plays guitar – and turned it absurd with this awkward title.

PenPen TriIcelon

Attack of the lion-penguin-monkeys.

Platform : Dreamcast

Publisher : Infogrames

Year : 1999

You're a mutant penguin racing in the TriIcelon, which is just like a Triathlon, but colder. Believe it or not, we reviewed this one and STILL have no idea what the hell it's about.

Spanky's Quest

To save Alfalfa?

Platform : SNES

Publisher : Natsume

Year : 1992

See, Spanky is a monkey. Spanky the monkey. SPANK THE MONKEY. Hey thanks, you're a great crowd!

Cacoma Knight in Bizyland

Mind your bizness.

Platform : SNES

Publisher : SETA U.S.A.

Year : 1993

Sounds like an adventurous RPG, but the only thing getting bizy in this Qix ripoff is you.

M.U.S.C.L.E.

B.A.D. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.

Platform : NES

Publisher : Bandai

Year : 1986

Video games are chock full of bad acronyms, but Mattel and Bandai's old wrestling game – Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere – wins by submission.

Sticky Balls

Pass the vaseline.

Platform : Gizmondo

Publisher : Gizmondo Games

Year : 2005

The platform might have been a front for a mafia scam, but the games were real. Real filthy, that is.

70's Robot Anime Geppy-X:

The Super Boosted Armor

Wow.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Aroma

Year : 1999

We cheated a little on this one, since this side-scrolling robot shooter was a Japanese-only release, but with a title like that, it just had to be on the list.

Punky Skunk

God save the queen.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Jaleco

Year : 1998

Talk about low effort game naming. He's a skunk, he's extreme, and he loves The Misfits…so…hmmm…what to call him…

Klonoa: Door to Phantomile

Doctor, it hurts when I pee…

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Namco

Year : 1997

That's because you've caught Klonoa, Jimmy, but don't worry, a shot of penicillin will clear that right up.

Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!

He does. Right in the butt.

Platform : Sega Genesis

Publisher : Tengen

Year : 1994

Fun fact: This is one of the first games to actually use digitized voice. Not so fun fact: Here's a dialogue snippet: Awesome Possum: "I'm awesome!"

Dr. Machino: "You’re not so awesome!"

You got that right.

Catechumen

Even Jesus can't save it.

Platform : PC

Publisher : N'Lightning

Year : 1997

A catechuman is a person receiving instruction in the Christian religion in order to be baptized, making the concept for this first-person shooter nearly as bad as its nigh unpronounceable name.

World Soccer Winning Eleven 5: Final Evolution

The future is long-winded.

Platform : PS2

Publisher : Konami

Year : 2002

One ball, two numbers, seven words, fifteen syllables. How hard is it to just call the thing 'soccer'?

Panic Restaurant

Worst…service…ever.

Platform : NES

Publisher : Taito

Year : 1992

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

"AAAAHHHHH!!!! A f*ckin fly?! NOOOO!!! WHYYY! Now everything is ruined! Quick, call the police! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Ninja Hamster

Ja wohl, mein hammenfuhrer.

Platforms : Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC

Publisher : CRL

Year : 1987

Let the turtles be ninjas and let the hamsters just be hamsters, please. And is it me, or is that rodent wearing a Hitler moustache while doing a little Sieg Heil salute?

Iggy's Reckin' Balls

He sure is and they sure are.

Platform : N64

Publisher : Acclaim

Year : 1998

Iggy the ball stars in this oddly misspelled racing game. We're just glad he's not "wreckin" balls, because that sounds terribly painful.

Booby Kids

I dare you to squeeze their cheeks.

Platforms : NES

Publisher : Nihon Busson

Year : 1987

Though the Japanese are traditionally obsessed with panties, they switched gears in this top-down action romp. Should have been subtitled Tits for Tots.

Yo! Noid

Avoid the Noid.

Platforms : NES, Arcade

Publisher : Capcom

Year : 1990

Plenty of companies have used video games as thinly veiled advertising vehicles. Chester Cheetah had two games, and those talking M&M's had four. But none had a title as stupid as this one from the doomed Domino's Pizza mascot.

Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf

Fore, bitch!

Platforms : NES, Arcade

Publisher : SNK

Year : 1988

No sport promotes fighting like golf does. Wait a second – no it doesn't, and there's no fighting in Fighting Golf either, just golf. WTF?

Astro Fang: Super Machine

Makes thousands of julienne fries!

Platform : NES

Publisher : A Wave

Year : 1989

It's a racing game, it's a can opener, it removes stubborn stains and it melts away those extra pounds like magic! But wait, there's more! No, there's not!

Divine Divinity

You can say that again.

Platform : PC

Publisher : CDV

Year : 2002

Bringing the term "God complex " to retarded new heights, this recent RPG's titular redundancy is truly unholy.

Eggs of Steel: Charlie's Eggcellent Adventure

The yolk's on us.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Atlus

Year : 1998

Another one from the Over-Pun archives. Help Charlie the Egg save the giant factory! Ugh. We always knew too many eggs were bad for you.

Barkley: Shut Up And Jam!

I want QUIET! AND SLAM DUNKS!

Platform : Genesis

Publisher : Accolade

Year : 1993

Part command, part suggestion. We keep waiting for Kenny Smith to scream this at a babbling, incoherent Sir Charles during a TNT broadcast.

Tongue of the Fatman

Starring Ron Jeremy.

Platforms : PC

Publisher : Activision

Year : 1989

There's nothing like getting a little tongue from the fatman, which is precisely what this bizarre yet nauseating fighting game delivered. At least it didn't have John Madden in it.

Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together

Have you hugged an ogre today?

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Atlus

Year : 1997

Solidarity with ogres was definitely a key issue for whomever came up with the title for this turn-based strategy game. Either that or they were on ecstasy.

Rosco McQueen – Firefighter Extreme

Flame on.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Psygnosis

Year : 1997

Rosco is hot stuff in his his most extremely flaming video game yet! And when he whips out his hose, you'll burn with the desire to play with it!

Tobal No. 1

One is the loneliest number.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Squaresoft

Year : 1996

Especially in this case, since nobody outside of Japan ever saw another Tobal game. Maybe they should have taken a clue from George Lucas and started with No. 4…

Wargasm

I think George Bush gets these.

Platform : PC

Publisher : Infogrames

Year : 1998

Do you love the smell of napalm in the morning? Like, really, really love it? So do the overstimulated dorks behind this atrocious strategy game.

GOLF Magazine Presents 36 Great Holes Starring Fred Couples

I wonder what this game is about?

Platform : Sega 32X

Publisher : Sega

Year : 1994

Sponsor? Check. Number of Holes? Check. Quality of Holes? Check. Pro Endorsement? Check. Our attention span? Checked out three holes ago.

XEXYZ

RLY TRRBLE NME

Platform : NES

Publisher : Hudson Soft

Year : 1989

This side-scrolling shooter takes place just after a nuclear holocaust. The survivors must have mutated a second tongue, because they named their new nation XEXYZ.

No One Can Stop Mr. Domino!

Especially if you tip him over.

Platforms : Playstation

Publisher : Acclaim

Year : 1998

Artdink has made lots of weird games, but this is their most threatening. Mr. Domino knows where you live, bitch!

Totally Rad

Like, awesomely bad name, dude.

Platform : NES

Publisher : Jaleco

Year : 1991

In this platformer, regular Californian dude Jake is given magical powers to go save the bodacious babe, Allison. The resulting lesson: never, ever, let the marketing department name your game. Gnarly.

James Pond II: Codename RoboCod

A wet pun.

Platforms : Genesis, Game Boy Advance

Publisher : EA

Year : 1991

Fishing for compliments? Hehehe. Searching for sole? For sole – get it? Hey, you're still a great crowd!

Psybadek

D'oh!

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Psygnosis

Year : 1998

"Psydeck" would have been fine, but they just had to add an extraneous "ba" to screw it up. In case you wondered what would happen if you asked Homer Simpson to name your hoverboard video game, now you know. Saxamaphone.

Nuts & Milk

Two great tastes that make no sense together.

Platform : NES

Publisher : Hudson Soft

Year : 1984

Hey! You got your nuts in my milk! Hey! You got your milk on my nuts! Mmmmm.

Huygen's Disclosure

Dutch physicists have all the fun.

Platform : PC

Publisher : Microforum

Year : 1999

Spoiler Warning: Each point of an advancing wave front is in fact the center of a fresh disturbance and the source of a new train of waves; and the advancing wave as a whole may be regarded as the sum of all the secondary waves arising from points in the medium already traversed. Sign us up!

Bad Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja

Dumb names vs. your quarters.

Platforms : Arcade, NES, Apple II, PC, Amiga

Publisher : Data East

Year : 1988

If you were worried about these dudes taking on the Dragon Ninja, don't. They're bad in a good way. Unlike their title, which is bad in a terrible way.

Pesterminator: The Western Exterminator

I'll be back…with Raid!

Platform : NES

Publisher : Color Dreams

Year : 1990

This lame side-scroller was based on Kernel Kleanup, a mascot of the real life Western Exterminator Company. They should be squished for this horrific naming transgression.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Zeta Gundam

Gundam, spam, eggs, and gundam.

Platform : Playstation 2

Publisher : Namco

Year : 2005

A gundam is a giant robot, and there are plenty of them battling it out in this game. There are plenty of them battling it out in the title, too. Malkovich malkovich.

If It Moves, Shoot It!

And if it lives, shoot it again!

Platform : PC

Publisher : Broderbund

Year : 1989

Excellent advice, but we have some, too – don't let your title double as the instruction manual for, like, a thousand other games.

Irritating Stick

And we have a winner. Please pass the ointment.

Platform : Playstation

Publisher : Jaleco

Year : 1999

While it's refreshingly honest that the game actually tells you that it's irritating before you buy it, as a name, it's terrible. It's so bad, in fact, that we bought a copy about five years ago and haven't opened it because we don't want to. Because it's irritating.

Props to VG Museum and Allgame for their informative game libraries.