Dear readers, I have come upon an ancient device, one that allows me to peek into the near future of E3 2016!
What, you don’t believe me? Well, I dare you then, dear readers, to pick a color, then a number, and watch as I peel back the veil of time and space to offer you these clues to next week’s biggest gaming event.
I spy, with my Third Eye…
Expensive Food
The LA Convention Center in mid-June will be a perfect storm of over-priced eateries to choose from. You can sell your soul on the convention floor for a microwave hamburger or give up the rights of your firstborn child for a lobster grilled-cheese sandwich made in a truck. If you decide to try one of LA's many restaurant options, you can expect to take out a second mortgage on your home (and that's just for appetizers). They know you're trapped, they know you have some disposable income, and like anyone who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, they know you'll eventually come around. I predict many a granola bar in my future.
A "Surprise" Game Reveal That Will Be Revealed Just Before The Planned Reveal
E3 is still considered one of the tentpole events of the video game calendar, and as such a lot of publishers save their biggest announcements for June. No secret is safe for long in the world of social media and a solid Wi-Fi signal, as all it takes is one junior detective to spot the rabbit under the table before it's pulled out of the hat. I predict a new AAA game will be revealed within 24 hours of its actual, planned announcement, much to the disappointment of the publisher who thought they could be a magician.
At Least One Publisher Will Try To Be "Cool"
Every year it seems like some publishers are convinced their audience never grows up, as if E3 were some sort of Neverland to sell their latest video games to Lost Boys. These attempts to relate to their audience are cringe-worthy at best and outright offensive at their worst. Be it scantily-clad booth babes, celebrity cameos during a press conference or staging protests in response to your crappy game that hasn't even come out yet (looking at you, EA), these marketing attempts still assume their audience is primarily male and juvenile. To be fair, most of the larger publishers have learned the folly of their old ways, but I predict that at least one company didn't get the memo this year.
VR Porn
Because again, some people think only teenage boys play video games. Then again, technology and pornography have always gone hand in… hand, and it did not take long for everyone's worst kept secret to taint this next-generation hardware. I don't expect it to have a huge, ahem, presence at E3, but I do predict a shady booth, tucked away from the other booths, complete with a dingy, black curtain hiding contents not suitable for young viewers. I just hope the volume is kept to a minimum.
Everything Coming Out This Year Is Coming Out Next Year
By the time I started to write this, my prediction was already coming true. Horizon: Zero Dawn was due later this year and has just been delayed to 2017. Persona 5, due all the way back in 2014, scheduled for US release February 2017. Yooka-Laylee, with its gleeful trailer, now due for 2017. And don't get me started on The Last Guardian.
Video games, like children, make a big splash at E3 but have a hard time getting out of the damn pool. Obviously, this has a lot to do with the modern triple-A game development cycle as well as the pressures of publishers drumming up interest as early as possible. This makes it an easy, yet heartbreaking, prediction to make.
That’s all I have for now, let us see how many come true next week! What predictions do you have for E3 2016?
