You Don’t Wanna Know Jack

That's it.

Jack Thompson, Florida attorney and longtime opponent of free speech, has officially lost his mind.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

For those of you who don't know about this sue-happy lawyer, here's a quick history lesson. Jack burst onto the free-speech scene back in 1990, when he took up the case against the rap group 2 Live Crew and attempted to ban their record, As Nasty As They Wanna Be, for explicit lyrics. Then in 1992, Jack attacked rapper Ice T and his band Body Count over the incendiary song "Cop Killer." He has also filed frivolous lawsuits against Internet sex websites and the movie The Basketball Diaries.

Mr. Thompson has more recently moved his focus away from rap and bad Leonardo Di Caprio films (why no lawsuit over Titanic, by the way?) and onto video games, suing a variety of video game companies by claiming that some of their products were training kids to kill despite a good deal of evidence to the contrary. This is the guy leading the Hot Coffee charge, although he's also fingered The Sims 2 because underneath those blurs, the Sims are NUDE! Of course, they have no genitalia (think Ken and Barbie), but Jack is still outraged, quipping incomprehensibly, "This is no different than what is in San Andreas, although worse." Aha.

More proof that he's a nut? Take his political campaign against Florida Attorney General Janet Reno back in 1988 (yes THAT Janet Reno), which consisted of calling her a closet lesbian who was being blackmailed by the mob. At a public debate, he actually walked up to her and handed her a piece of paper that read:

and demanded that she check one of the boxes. No, really, he did. You just can't make stuff like this up, it's too weird. You might also get a good laugh from his bizarre email exchanges with Scott Ramsoomair over at VG Cats and Ryan Acheson from The Horror Channel. He even e-mailed me personally about my recent article on video game violence, but did not respond to a request for an interview.

I think I know why. In one of his many recent open letters to the world, Jack wants the gaming press to report that he is receiving death threats, which he insists is "proof" that gamers are violent. Very well, Jack – it's high time your wish came true.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Thompson is currently trying to have my boss, Lou Kerner, arrested by the NYPD for one of these terrifying death threats.

You see, this AIM buddy icon was posted over at BadassBuddy, a Bolt.com affiliate site. Jack decided this was a death threat and freaked out. That's correct – an AIM buddy icon. Jack is apparently terrified of buddies.

So scared, in fact, that he immediately called the New York offices of Bolt and demanded to talk to our legal counsel. Instead, Lou Kerner, the president of Bolt, was kind enough to return Jack's call personally later that day. Lou told Jack it was no big deal and that he would contact BadassBuddy and ask them to remove the icon. Which he did, and later, they did.

But not before Jack sent the following letter to both Bolt and the FBI. The FBI. I hear they have a special buddy icon task force now.

You will notice that he's already forgotten the name of the site. Dumbass, indeed. But just in case that wasn't a strange enough departure from reality, he also immediately faxed this letter to the hard-working folks over at the NYPD, calling for Lou's arrest as well as other fiendish makers of buddy icons:

At least he got the website right that time. Later that same day, the guys over at BadassBuddy get Lou's request and remove the Jack Thompson buddy icon. Case closed, right? No, certainly not! Apparently the removal of the icon is an 'admission of guilt' and arrest and prosecution are sure to follow! Check out Jack's second letter to the NYPD:

A Masterpiece Of Crocodilian Form! Click To Magnify!

Well, I have to say, Lou Kerner is a hell of a nice guy, so as an act of solidarity I'd like to get the cell next to his. Therefore, after playing Grand Theft Auto for an hour, I have created a primitive drawing of Jack Thompson being eaten by a crocodile while people applaud. I have signed this monumental work of art to prove that I am indeed the artist, and I hereby affirm that it was I, Duke Ferris, who put it on the Internet. Unlike Ms. Reno, I have checked a box for you, sir! I eagerly await my arrest and incarceration.

Alright, so I'm not really playing fair. It's just too easy to make fun of someone as mentally incompetent as Jack, although I have to admit, it's fun sinking to his level, like when I used to tease Jeff Becker on the playground for eating boogers.

What really annoys me, though, is the otherwise seemingly intelligent people who fall for his bizarre rantings. How on earth does Jack keep ending up on 60 minutes and Nightline and consulting with legitimate politicians like Senator Hillary Clinton? Don't these people do any research at all before they talk to some self-appointed "expert?" Just because some lunatic runs around suing companies for $300 million and faxes crazy letters to the NYPD does not make him an expert on anything other than the delusions in his own head.

Please, let's all come to our senses and see Mr. Thompson for who he is: a litigious, headline-hungry lunatic who routinely exhibits a startling lack of common sense. Unlike the Sims he so fervently decries, under all his pomp and circumstance, it turns out Jack is totally naked.